Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize