I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
she told me i tasted like america
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
