Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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