I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
