I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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