Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
