you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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