Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
