On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
