yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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