I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
