Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
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trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
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I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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