where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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