i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
