So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I need a beard to bite.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
