Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
