my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I think my moral compass just broke
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
