just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
