Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
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