Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
