remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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