Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
