woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
