Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
We need a shit load of segways right now
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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