I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
