Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
