mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
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