I hate your face
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
