Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
A+ Viking dick
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
