i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize