i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
