the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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