I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
