A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
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