Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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