next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
It's never too late to be topless.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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