I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
You're a waste of cheezeits
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
