you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
