I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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