This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
