i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
