A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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