Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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