Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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