tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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