i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
