I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
