You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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