just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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