i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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