just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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