i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Randomize
