I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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