this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
