No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
