The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
