I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
