dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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