highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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