my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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