I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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