He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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